&Nearing the End;

Last week of community study...and wow, it kinda went fast but not at the same time. I went back to school to meet with  my teacher (which I could not find) and I felt like...I don't know, like it was weird going into school now. Like, I adjusted so easily to going to work here than being at Highschool, and I kind of felt alienated, as if I didn't belong there. In truth, that is true. I'm out of highschool now, I should be ready to move on. It was just strange how I felt though. It was almost like another home to me for 4 years, and now I feel as though I have been away from it for a long time, and I didn't really want to be there. Yeah, seeing all the cool people and my friends there was fun but...I guess I'm finally able to accept highschool is comming to an end. Although it is sad, and although I'll miss everyone dearly...that just means over summer I'll have to hang with all of you after I get back from China! However...I'm looking forward to Drexel, and I hope on embrassing it with open arms to every oppertunity I can..

I can accept that the start of Drexel...Evan and I are done. If it is meant to continue after highschool and everything, it will. I don't believe in fate so much, but I do believe that sometimes things work out if its for the better. So, until then, Evan and I will be what we are. However, reality is, college is different, and I suppose that for the most part I will leave a lot of you and might not speak to many of you again as time passes. I don't think Evan and I will not love each other even just a little bit...because we went through so much together. I suppose thats what you call a first love. I'll never not love him for all he is worth, but over time, I'll be able to not have all these feelings inside of me, if thats how its going to be. I'm not going to pine over it for years and years after its over and done with and hes moved on, although I usually compare guys to him hahaha. I suppose I'll never not do that, but...who knows; I want college to come and to become engulfed in my new life.

However, I did have a fun weekend this weekend! Went to visit Bryan at Drexel, and went to Ocean City, NJ. I got a sirong, and a massage stick! I was told by random sources my face looks a little tan....I was like nuh-uh!!! O_O; It's like a physical impossibility for me to get a freakin' tan. I'm usually called a vampire, or albino, because I'm so pale...it's my red hair; I can't help it! I got more freckles I think, and thats what people are saying may make me look tan; I'm just one big freckel XP. My mom is also sick, so I got her a cool palm tree candle. Shes really really sick. I was sick earlier this week (though it didn't stop me from going to Baltimore to help my mom chaparone for the 5th grade Ft. Washington Elementary trip...it was cute, I got some nice pictures. Although this one girl Eden kept running away, and she became obsessed with me haha. Andrea was cute too, though I am reminded as to why I can never go into teaching...I can do it once in a while, but I could not deal with kids like that everyday!) and I also got my...dun dun dun...shots!!! T_T I had to get 3 of 'em; Tyhpoid, Polio, and Heptitus A, for my trip to China. I was shaking really bad, and they had to get a stretcher for me so I wouldn'tfaint...but I did it. I still hate them....e.e;;; Plus my arms now still hurt a little (though its mostly gone) from the shots...and my typhoid shot arm was giving me the mostr trouble at first. However, I now also have to get my tetnis and meningitis before I go...I need them for college anyway, but he said I should do it anyway before I go because I'll be around a lot of people. He attempted to ask me if I wanted a rabies series of shots to prevent me from getting rabies....ummm...yeah a 5 series shot? No thanks on that one.

So next weekend looks like I'll be going down to Drexel again...though this time to South Street and China Town with bryan and some of his friends...I'm excited! I love Drexel...I wanted to go there for the longest time, I got accepted, and wow just....hahaha, I am sure some of you can remember me saying wanting to go to Drexel; now I am going!!!!

I also have an Alvin shirt (from Alvin and the chipmunks) and a Nerds shirt (the candy)....I'm officially happy with that XD. I also want to re-arrange my room...it just came as a sudden compulsion on me today. So thats what I'm going to do when I get home; completely clean my room and re-arrange it. Makes no sense because I'm going to college in sept (which I go like sept 20 or so because Drexel starts late due to summer semmester though most colleges go like late August...oh well....I'll just have to visit people and hang out with people somehow before I go XD) but to bad...I want to do it and its crazy. Hehe....yeah so...Listening to Lacuna Coil and Sarah McLachlan...seems totally contradictory, but somehow I like it that way XD. Talk to all of you later, and do not  hesitate to call at all:

cell: 267-481-5508.

In fact, please do. :]

Ja ne!

&Community Study;

So, I'm currently at community study!!! Yes, somehow I made it this far, even though I nearly failed like out of physics...okay no failed, getting a D, but I wound up with more than a D last quarter and wound up getting a C. I' might get a B for the year...umm...more likely a C, but hey, I made it to community study, and I made it through Hayden's class. It's...wow, I can't believe I'm gone! Last day of highschool was insane, we had a 6:40am party in the senior parking lot, where they had shot glasses of....COFFEE!!! Wore our college attire for the occasion, and had a grand 'ol time. Also, there was senior in a box, where Bryan Glen went down the hallway inside a box...and all the seniors in the art class signed it who were out in the hallway. I took a pic and a vid, and we ran away when Mr. Baker came down the hallway right into the art room....not suspicious at all, haha! He confinscated it...T_T but I got my senior's '06 in a box pictures, so it wasnt all a complete loss.

Then, there was also prom and post prom. Prom was a lot of fun, although I still don't understand half of the dancing that people do. I mean...it was like, why bother getting dressed, when basically its sex on a dance floor? I mean c'mon, it was retarded...and some of the songs sucked! They played NUMA NUMA!! O_O;;; That was when Evan and myself left to get pictures we were like uhh...no. Oh well, it was still fun, and I got an awesome picture of Glick looking like a random anime character of sorts. It was fun, and post prom was fun up until we got our prizes...um...yeah, they jipped most of the people out of the prizes because after the first 40 where done by raffle, they decided to just pull random names whoever didn't get a prize yet, because everyone and I mean everyone gets a prize. But Jenni spent all her time getting tickets to get herself a printer, and put all her tickets into that. So what did she wind up getting? An ipod charger..and she doesnt even have a stupid ipod. So basically whoever got the printer, it was random, and even Jing got the printer when she didn't even put her tickets into it, and she got it after Jenni was called....weird stuff, it was all fucked up. Evan got a USB 128 drive...which was completely useless to him as well. I got a magnetic dart set, so it wasn't a complete loss, I can use it in my dorm, but it woulda been nice to win a TV. I don't have one, and my dad refuses to give me one for college. So...meh, it was still fun, even though waiting for like 2 hours to get a crappy prize inside a  hard floor room where you had to sit down was def not on the top of my fun list. But lazer tag was def fun, except for the people who basically followed me while they weren't able to shoot so that way the moment they came back they could shoot me, and the chances of me shooting them were less. If they weren't so retarded, it would have been more fun. However the first time, it was only with my friends and so thus it was a lot more fun because they were serious about it and not complete dicks. I also didn't get my chance to go swimming because they closed the pool down before I thought they would....meh...I got to beat up evan in the gladiator thing and so made him loose is pride a little bit. He got me back...but I still beat him.....XD!!! Yeah, that was awesome, beating up people is tons of fun with those big q-tip things. Except he messed up my glasses more than they already were, and the helmet was too big, so when I nearly fell the one time, I could no longer really see...e.e;;; Still, awesome times, tons of fun.

So now on to community study...I was annoyed because dad played the whole trick on me where Oh...I have to stay there the whole time he does for work because we are in the same building, just different sections because I'm working for Jeff. Yeah, so I was literaly doing like...9 hour shifts of nothing but staring and stuff because I can't do too much because I'm not trained and I'm only here for 3 weeks anyway...so i was bored and the photoshoot took forever!!! Although it was intresting to see how they made the models look pregnant, and I even got to make two AOL ads which are going to be used, and edited some pictures...man that took a while. Anyways, I need to go and catch my train, I'll talk more about it later, because dad is letting me use the train and it so happens Evan is on the same one, just at a different stop b ecause I'm getting on at Market East in the Gallery at the mall in Philly.

Really gotta go...JA!

&DISNEY WORLD ROCKS MA SOCKS!!!;

Well it's official; Disney World Trip for Senior Year is OVER!!! Its the beginning of the end, as Kelsey said, and I am so happy about the trip; it was amazing, it was fun, it was annoying, it was dreaful at times, and it was everything I thought it would be. Simply put, the whole of everything was just amazing. I wound up not even going out with people who I thought I would be going around with, and I tried different things I never thought I would. I officially love rollercoasters!!!!! I got over my fear of them!!! I went on Everst in Animal Kingdom, and ever since then now love roller coasters! I braved it out, and it was fun!! Also, Tower of Terror was great, and I'm sooo pissed I couldn't get to ride Summet Plummet, but thats about the only thing I regret about this whole trip. Medieval times was amazing!!!!!  There was jousting, and fighting and just.....weee!!!! It was awesome, and we ate soup with our hands and chicken as well as a potato. The food wasn't amazing or anything, but then again, they have to feed a lot of people who come into the... "theater" to see the show, which was amazing, and we all cheered like crazy. Sometimes I got mad we didn't cheer enough because there where certain times when we shoulda cheered more. Oh well, it was fun, and I got to wave to our blue knight. Kara kept cheering for the Green Knight because he was a trator and everything. It was cool, I had a blast.

I got a $10 shirt from the Mission Space store, and a parasel from China! Its so cool, and it has my name on it! I didn't do much on shopping because...there was no need! Also, we started the wave in the Mickey's thingy of magic, and the band people started yelling the cheer to the two different huge groups of UDHS students across the bleachers. d-o-w-n and thats the way we get down! Yup....people probably thought we were crazy when we did that durring the Medieval Times dinner as well. We also had our dance at the castle...the teachers were dancing, it was awesome. I do not dance, suck and dancing, and in fact hate dancing more than anything. However, I did not want to just sit around for the entire time we were there so I attempted to dance. It was fun! They played the Piano Man as our last song, and we all got into a circle and sorta swayed. I felt really...bittersweet about it. This was our senior year. I looked around at everyone...we were all going different places, all going to be appart of different lives someday. It was kinda....weird. In a few months, I will never see some of those faces ever again.

Evan and I broke out of the circle and danced in the center with random people who decided to break free from the circle too, and so we did ballroom dancing and twirled and just had fun together. I'm so glad we did that. It was....a memory I never want to forget. I am so surprised that such a simple thing made me so happy. I love him to death, and durring the trip I think we came closer together.

Oh yeah, and we started a trend down in Disney. We would see a group of other UDHS students and shout "AAAAYYY!!!!" with each other. Well, we started doing that, and then groups of other students from schools we didn't even know, started doing that with us! At one point, we got a whole restaurant outside doing it! It was the greatest thing ever!!! Man, MGM studios, and random people and families shouting "ay!" Also, seeing a picture of all the teachers inside one elevator at Tower of Terror was hillarious! They where even dancing at the dance, and Boo Kim was amazing! Hahaha!!!

I also learned how to play Palace, and we played it as we were waiting to get ready for the dinner and dance. It was cool, I literaly could just run down a few halls, and see people I knew, and next door I could knock on the door and just be like "hey!" It was awesome, and Ona dressed me up for the dance ^^; Not with make-up or anything, but I was in girly clothes for once. It was cool, I had a great time, and wow just...I wish it wasn't the end of it!

Also, Evan is now officially 18!!!! He came over, after the trip at like 12am because thats when he turned 18, and his gift arrived on time for his birthday which was Kenshin's Sword! So he literaly like...peed his pance when he saw it! It's nothing real high qual, and its nothing too extravagant, but it was still just a small weapon for him to have fun with! It's a reverse blade, and so...its cool. So, I also will probably go out and get some Pasta Salad stuff and make him some, and surprise him again. Hahaha, I like doing nice things for people, when they aren't assholes! ^_^! I also want something to eat, and I have to work on my senior paper today / tonight, then play some CS....which I haven't in a while.

Oh yeah, one more thing, being stuck on a plane for an hour with a bunch of UDHS students sucks / still fun but annoying. They kept pressing the service lights and stuff, >_<; Although taking off we all put our hands up going "YEAAAH!!!! WOOO!!!!" like it was a ride, and the same thing while landining. Evan and I where sleeping together on the plane ride, so we were kinda like mehhh, and Meg freaked out because she didnt like the enclosed area and being stuck on the plane. I also got a cool packet with food in it that says:

SAVE THE WHALES

OR EAT THEM NOW. YOU DECIDE.

It rocks. I also got a picture of this keychain in FL that says: OWN  . Yes, smilie face included!!! Its amazing!!! Theres like a million stories I want to remember and write down, and this is such a scattered entry because I tried to include tons of stuff, and I'm just remembering some right about now! So, I'll keep my pictures that I took with my camera, and look through 'em and remember good times. It was great...I wish we could do that again as a class. Good times, great times....I kinda don't want Highschool to end right now.

Ja ne.

&The Day Hath Come;

Well...it happened. I came home from school, and a big envelope from Drexel was inside my sister's hands which clasped the letter, and the other mail, together tightly so I couldn't see. It was a moment that I had been anxious for; dreading and wishing for all at once. She wouldn't let me see it...and though I insisted, she would pretend it wasn't in the mail, until finally begging she read it to me. Thus, she did....

Congradulations!

That was all that could be seen through the clear flap, besides the address of the school.

I screamed. I started crying. I had been wanting to go to Drexel for so long....I didn't know if I'd get accepted...and I did. It was....amazing. Dad didn't think I would be able to get in, but I did. I managed to do it....and I was so happy. I came into school glowing, and happy, despite Hayden being a douche with my program, everything was alright. It was...great.

Yeah, too bad it lasted only so long. Dad informed me, finally, that...I have to pay for college alone. This came as a shock...we're not poor, or short of money. In fact, now that my dad has a secure and awesome job, we're in a more upper-middle class, than just middle-class American suburban (now) family. We have a hottub, and houses down in North Carolina that my dad invests in to bring in more money. Yet...he says he'll go broke if he pays for college.

If he had all that money for those things....why did he not save up and help me like he said. Going to Drexel....thats a bit of $. It's not terribly expensive but its up in the $40,000 range, which is kinda average as far as that goes. However....he is now having doubts about Drexel, or wanting to send me there. Now, he's getting on my case for not applying to University of Penn....well, that is an Ivy League school...I don't think I'd want to go to that kind of school. Too big, classes too big, mostly lectures from what I heard. So...why go there, when I can go to Drexel when its a just as well known school and pretty good? I dunno, you tell me. It's been my dream to go there, and people have told me that its good for my kind of major. Now he wants me to consider Albright, but Albright's standards are lower, and Phila U's are even lower...but becuase Phila U might pay me more $ for going, dad wants me to go, because he doesnt want to pay the $.

I swear, I get a moment of happyness and this crushes it...I have my period too...the only good thing about that, is, that for the Florida trip for senior trip I won't have it. I'm sure thats TMI for most of you, but too bad. Bleh to you all!!! HAHAHA!!!

So, I'm happy I got accepted to Drexel...I really want to go. It's been my dream....

Also, have you ever loved someone so much that you just can't help but cry? I dunno why that happens to me, I mean its kinda lame really....buut... there's no other outward way to express just how much I love Evan. Reading his writing makes me feel that way... I don't know why. I'm captivated by it....it just draws me in.

Well...I'm officially tired / annoyed / bleh...although, I was happy. This is my life and *I* want to go to Drexel....

Ja'ne.

&Acceptance;

I know I haven't really blogged in a while, but its been a heck of a few weeks. Guidance messing up my applications, and then Albright loosing my application once they got it, and all this crap...it's been crazy. However, I got a reply from both Albright and Philadelphia University.....they accepted me! Albright called me on the phone, and it basically went like this:

Chris (the dude's name): I'm just calling to congradulate you on your acceptance at Albright College.

Me: Really!?

Chris: Yes, you'll be getting a packet of information in the mail later this week.

Me: OOOOOOOMMMGGGG!!!! *little shriek* Ahh, I'm sorry, I'm just excited!

Chris: Well, that's the idea, and why we call.

.....EEE!!!! It was crazy! I think I scared him a little, but it was awesome!!! I can't believe I was accepted...and so far no info that my SAT scores have been messed up, even though theres evidence that more scores where messed up...and it was the test *I* happened to take part in....bleh!!! I hope they find that its higher than it really was....but then again....I'm already accepted into 2 of the colleges, so that doesn't matter! Just Drexel...I really want to get accepted because....I really do. I wanted to go there badly...

But so, then I'm having nightmares of not getting accepted into Drexel, and I was so happy earlier but now its all wearing off...and I'm feeling sad and depressed. Why, I mean I got accepted into college right? I should be happy? Too much on my mind, too much to think about. I'm really leaving this place behind, and while I love that I'll finally be free of all the shit that was built up here since I moved here, my whole entire life as I've known, as I've lived, as I've only been able to grasp will be snatched away as I'm thrown into an entirely new and real world. I've dealt with a lot up until now, but nothing besides having it smacked into your face like this can prepare you for what you're about to enter.

Do I really want to go to Drexel after all? It's a thought, I'm having decision issues...and I'm terrible at making decisions so this is not going to be easy by any means. My dad is pushing for Albright because he thinks I'll not enjoy the Co-op....I want to go to the city, personally. If Albright where right in Philly, I'd go there in a heartbeat. I just want to go back...go back to Philly. I don't want to be in the middle of Reading PA, but if it's the best place I'll go. Still...just....my life up until now has been dealing with living at home, parents making decisions for me, dad having the complete say....that's no longer the case. I feel lost in a maze...I was never given the option to choose things, so thus now I have a hard time making them. Still, despite the fact that I know this problem, it's not something that can be fixed overnight...its been embedded into me that the decisions I make are wrong, or that I'm something or other.

Also...another thing getting me down. Yes, you know....Evan. I find myself crying again....just when I thought things would be better. Nope....he is just living his own world and somewhat leaving me for whenever he feels like calling me up. He complains he has too much work to do, so I don't bother him....but unbeknownst to me, he's got a huge busy social life...one that doesn't involve me. Everyone's entitled to all their own social lives, he doesn't need to call me up everytime he wants to go out and invite me along. However, he promised me the next time he was to the state park, he'd take me. Guess what he did, without a thought? Went there with people....he says all these things about wanting me to be in with his circle of friends, but then never invites me with him. What, does he think his friends will just call me up? They barely know me, and they've known each other since elementary school. I can't compete with that...I haven't known anyone here for that long...heck, some people I've never met or will meet. He just goes off without me...saying how much of a great night he had, a great time, how wonderful everything is. I got so mad, but I hid it from him, and regrettably cried without anyone's watching. Why do I type it on here now, then? Because I can, because writing it out and talking to people who don't read this makes it all get out so I can let it out. Is it so bad to just want to be....I dunno, just wanted by him. I just want him to want to be near me every once in a while, to want to invite me somewhere. Instead, he says how busy he is...yeah, busy with all of his friends. I just want to be a part of his life....it's tearing me up inside. I'm mad, I'm angry, and I'm more upset and feeling unwanted than anything. I'm reminded by my dad sometimes I'm useless....is it true? He says not....but he doesnt want me around.

Usually, my days suck. No, they aren't the worst, but I wake up to screaming and yelling, to my grandmom outside yelling at Pop-pop because he hit her with a cane....him eating freakin' dog treats, not paying bills, my mom winding up paying for most of their housing just so they can have a phone because my grandmom nearly went into heart failure and my dad won't be a part of it because it isn't his parents. My mom and dad arguing, my sister being herself and bending all the rules in the house so that she gets a new jacket and gets away with sneaking out of the house when I never ask much of anything and dad makes me drive her around and yells at me about gas, and not letting me out. Also, the friends I have are either busy with whatever they do on the weekends, or not even alowed out. Some people I just don't want to be around all that much on the weekends, and others I don't even know them anymore. I just want Evan to invite me every once a while with him, just sit with him outside for a bit....I love him so much, and yet I feel so distant from him. I hate that feeling, and I'm jealous. I'm jealous of all his friends, that he values them so much....and yet with the amount he values me, he's not spending some time with me before the school year ends. I want to be valued...and in that retrospect I'm selfish. So, to atone for such wantings, I keep quiet. However, it's starting to not let me sleep, and this whole week my stomach has been acting icky so I been feeling sick as is.

I want to go back to some of the old times....when we argued with his mom for him to stay an extra half hour so we can play that video game, the night looking up at the stars on my trampoline. That's all I want out of it....just something simple, like that. I never expect much from anyone, from life, never want much. I find that if you want more than might be possible, you're dissapointed far too much. I want small amounts of goodness, and I cherish them. I don't expect Evan to do much of anything for me....I don't expect to be treated amazingly....but...I just want to have that moment of hanging out for even just a small amount of time. I'm trying so hard not to be selfish....and maybe Evan's right; maybe I'm just a bastard in the end. So, I'll keep it to myself and just put it somewhere he won't read, or let alone anyone really read.

I want to be accepted by him. I was accepted into college....but his acceptance I put on a much higher scale. He called me pretty when I wore girly-ish clothes....it only mattered really when he said it. It's not that I don't value anyone else's opinion's its just....its Evan. I love him, and admire him for all his faults and accomplishes. To me, I love him entirely. His faults, and his perfections. I think somewhere along the lines, my brain became messed up and dependant. I'm highly dependant on Evan, and I try really hard not to be. I'm not needy....dependant. He's the only thing I can really depend on (aside from a few people that come extremely close)....even though he broke the world under my feet, he's the only thing I can really depend on. Most people come off as fake, or not caring, or I just don't know them enough to really depend on them....it's not your fault, just either you did something to which I cannot fully trust you, or just don't know you fully.

I need to get to sleep...and I need to think. Evan and I are really so much alike on many levels, but also different...different people. That's what I love most; how we're so alike, and yet different enough to wonder and think.